Beauty in the dark

Oh, Why oh why must I be so ridiculously hard on myself? Where does this internal voice come from? How do I get it to cease? It doesn’t matter how many self help books I indulge in. I’m constantly overwhelmed in my mind with no focus or plan. It doesn’t matter what my intentions are, my voice will not shut up. It seriously makes me hate myself. I’m so incredibly tired. I’m so tired of waking up in the same turmoil day in and day out. Pining for a different outcome. A different thought pattern. A striving force to make change will not show up. I’m locked in misery. Is that truly who I am? Is it truly my spirit’s wishes? How can I solve the beautiful darkness in me?